My dad Shawn and I have a running joke on the podcast. He used to think I was bad at dating because I’d cut and run so fast. I’d bail early on relationships that weren’t right. He thought it was a problem. Turns out, it was a skill.
Because knowing when to walk away from something that isn’t working, whether it’s a relationship, a business deal, or a financial plan, is actually one of the most important decisions you can make. The problem is, most couples never develop that skill when it comes to money. They just avoid the conversation entirely.
Abby Davisson joined us on The Decidedly Podcast to talk about exactly this. Abby is an expert on how love and money intersect, and what she shared changed how I think about the financial conversations I have with my own clients.
Every decision has a love component and a money component.
This was my biggest takeaway from the episode, and I think about it constantly now: every decision has some component of love and money. Even decisions that seem like they’ve got nothing to do with money, they’re going to affect your work, your lifestyle, your livelihood, or your dollars directly.
And things that seem 100% about money? They’re going to affect your relationships. Positively or negatively.
Think about selling your business. It looks like a financial decision on the surface. But it’s going to change your marriage. It’s going to change how you spend your days, who you eat lunch with, what you talk about at dinner. The couple who treats a business exit as a purely financial event is going to be blindsided by the relational fallout.
The rules change.
Abby told a great story about switching her kids’ school. Her son was going into fourth grade and basically told her she was ruining his life. All he could see was the short-term disruption: new school, no friends, everything unfamiliar.
What he couldn’t see was that the new school went up to 8th grade, so he’d actually have less disruption over the long term. He was nine. She didn’t expect a stirring logical argument to land with a nine-year-old. But the principle applies to adults too.
When you go through a major life transition, selling a business, retiring, having kids leave home, the rules of your household change. The unspoken agreements about who does what, who handles money, who makes the calls, they all shift. And if you don’t talk about the new rules, you end up fighting about the old ones.
Short-term thinking is a trap.
Our brains are wired to see the worst thing that could happen in the short term and immediately say “I don’t want to do that.” Abby called this out directly: we Overlook the longer-term positive consequences because we’re so focused on the immediate disruption.
This is exactly what I see with business owners approaching an exit:
- “If I sell, I’ll lose my identity.” (Short-term fear. Long-term: you build a new one.)
- “My spouse won’t understand the finances.” (Short-term avoidance. Long-term: they need to, and the conversation gets harder the longer you wait.)
- “The kids aren’t ready.” (Short-term truth, possibly. Long-term: they won’t ever be ready if you never start preparing them.)
Playing out different time horizons (what does this look like in 6 months, 2 years, 10 years?) forces you to see past the immediate discomfort. It’s one of the simplest and most powerful tools I use with clients.
Finding the intersection.
The mistake most couples make is having two separate conversations. One person talks about the money. The other talks about the family, the lifestyle, the relationships. They never meet in the middle.
What Abby advocates, and what we do in our Decision Lab, is having the conversation at the intersection. Not “here’s the financial plan” and separately “here’s what I want our life to look like.” Instead: “here’s what we want our life to look like, and here’s how our money can serve that.”
When you narrow down on what you think you want, figuring out why you want that becomes really important. It helps clarify that it’s never about what’s on the surface.
That’s why Decision 1 in our framework is “Decide Who You Are”, not “Decide How Much You Have.” The money conversation only works when both partners know what they’re actually trying to build together.
Have the conversation now.
If you and your spouse have been avoiding the money conversation, about the business, about retirement, about what comes next, you’re not alone. Most couples avoid it. And the longer you wait, the harder it gets.
Our free initial conversation is designed for exactly this. Both spouses are welcome. In fact, we prefer it. Because the best financial plans are the ones that both partners believe in.
This article is based on a conversation from The Decidedly Podcast. Insights, advice, and comments provided by Sanger Smith, Shawn Smith, and guest speakers should not be considered personalized financial advice or recommendations. This content is produced solely for informational and educational purposes. For personalized guidance, book a free conversation.
