Every business owner I sit down with has a money mindset. Very few have ever been asked where it came from. That's what your money story is: the early experiences that shaped how you relate to money, long before you built a business or a balance sheet.
My dad Shawn and I opened this episode of The Decidedly Podcast by asking each other that exact question. Then we sat down with Dr. Mary Bell Carlson, who has spent her career working on financial behavior. She taught financial education to service members around the world for the Pentagon, worked as a financial counselor at Fort Riley while earning her PhD at Kansas State, and wrote her dissertation on the financial behavior of soldiers.
Money is never just numbers.
At Fort Riley, Mary worked in the Survivor Outreach program, helping families who had lost a loved one and received about half a million dollars. Some of those families struggled with the idea that it was blood money. Many would have given it all back to have their loved one home. And she watched some of that money disappear. The fastest she saw it gone was about three months.
That was where she first saw how tightly money and emotion are tied together. In her words, money "isn't just a tangible thing. It has so much meaning and value to individuals."
My dad saw a version of this early in his career. One of his first clients had inherited money, and by the time he came back with a plan, about half of it was already gone or spoken for. The numbers were never the whole picture.
Where your money story begins.
One way Mary likes to open a money conversation is with something she calls your money history. How did you grow up around money? What are your first memories of it?
Mine are pretty specific. My elementary school had a relationship with a local bank that set up in the lobby every Friday, and kids could make deposits into their own savings accounts. When I bought a car in college, I used money I had been saving since I was four. My dad's memories are different. Growing up around some of the wealthiest kids in the city, he always felt there was an adequate amount but never enough. He thinks that's part of why he became a financial advisor, and why he always makes sure he has saved, invested and planned.
Mary talked about money scripts: the beliefs about money we carry in our heads, often without noticing them. They are not always about one person. Sometimes they go back three or four generations. She described a couple heading toward bankruptcy who, after a few more questions, shared that both sets of parents had declared bankruptcy multiple times. For that family, it had become a generational expectation. That's what you do when you hit a hard spot.
Even good habits can be out of balance.
A money story doesn't have to be negative to shape your financial behavior. Being taught to save as a kid is a good thing. But Mary's point is that the extreme on either end is out of balance. In her words: "it's great to save, it's also okay to spend."
When he started out, my dad believed that if he showed clients the numbers, their behavior would change. He would show a modest, careful saver that they had plenty, and expected them to start flying first class. They didn't. The habits that got them there were working, and they weren't about to abandon them because of a spreadsheet. The lesson we landed on: spreadsheets don't change behavior.
Mary saw the flip side working at a bank in Midland, Texas. Some of the people who looked the wealthiest were asking for cash advances on the weekend. The person with the most money was often the old rancher in overalls who parked his beat-up pickup around the corner. She called it "big hat, no cattle."
A story to be heard.
So what do you do once a money story comes out? Mary's answer surprised me with how simple it was. You listen. You ask another question.
It's not a problem to be solved or something to be fixed. It's a story to be heard.
She also talked about the stages of change used in psychology. Her point for advisors was humbling. Just because someone called you and came into your office doesn't mean they're ready to act. By her estimate, fewer than 20 percent of people are in that action phase. That's okay. Talking through a money story helps people start thinking about how they learned about money, which leads to thinking about what they want to do with it now.
This matters for couples especially. We talked about how often one spouse checks out of financial conversations because it feels like "the numbers stuff." Mary's advice to advisors was to bring both people in and to actually hear what each of them values. It's a big part of how I think about wealth management for business owners and their families. The plan has to reflect the people, not just the portfolio.
Know what you spend.
One of Mary's favorite tools is what she calls a spending plan project. At the start of the month, you write down what you think you'll spend. Every week, you track what you actually spent. At the end of the month, you compare the two and reflect on what surprised you. She likes people to keep it going for up to three months.
The reflection is the point. Nobody is lecturing you about a purchase. You see your own patterns and make your own decisions about them. She has couples do this together, and one person told her that if she wanted them divorced, this was how to do it. Her answer: "I'm not looking for divorce, but I am looking for a conversation."
I can tell you that in all my years of asking people what they spend each month, nobody has guessed it right the first time. It's the same in business. Before you decide whether revenue needs to go up, down or sideways, you have to know what it is. Knowing is the first step.
What this means for you.
You don't need a therapist's couch to start working on your money mindset. A few places to begin:
- Ask yourself the question. What is your earliest money memory? What did your family say, or never say, about money?
- Notice the script. Look for patterns in how you save, spend, give or avoid. Some may be serving you. Some may not.
- Bring your spouse into it. Two people with two different money stories can still make shared decisions, but only if both stories are on the table.
- Track for a month. Write down what you expect to spend, then compare it to what actually happens.
- Start small. Mary's one decision-making tip for business leaders was exactly that: find one small change you can make today that makes tomorrow a little better.
She compared it to the helm of a big ship. A very small turn of the wheel changes where the whole vessel ends up.
Start the conversation.
Your money story is already shaping the decisions you make about your business, your family and your future. The question is whether you've ever looked at it closely.
If you're a business owner and you've never had that conversation, I'd love to have it with you. Book a free conversation and let's talk about your five key decisions.
This article is based on a conversation from The Decidedly Podcast. Insights, advice, and comments provided by Sanger Smith, Shawn Smith, and guest speakers should not be considered personalized financial advice or recommendations. This content is produced solely for informational and educational purposes. For personalized guidance, book a free conversation.
